Why I was addicted to Narcissists & How I healed from it

I started "Recovering Empaths" out of necessity.

There is an epidemic of "narcissism" in todays society. Whether or not someone is clinically diagnosed "NPD", almost everyone can think of that ONE person who is almost definitely "A Narcissist".

My story was like most confused, bewildered people who have found themselves on their asses, dumped and discarded by the "love of their life". Except this time it was my 4-5th time. I knew something had to be wrong, and so I started looking at my own patterns and trying to understand what the f*ck was happening to me.

I didn't actually know the word "narcissist" during my healing journey. If I did know it, I probably attributed it to some evil villain I had seen on TV, but not anyone I would have been dating, let alone married to! After years of self-discovery and self-healing, I realized that I had stumbled upon the ultimate nasty pattern of co-dependency and self-abandonment. Like, the mega-level, don't-even-know-who-I-am-anymore level self-abandonment.

It took me 8+ years of chronic illness, trips to the hospital, surgeries, mental illness, chronic anxiety & depression, a full-fledged eating disorder, panic disorder, a divorce and multiple break-ups to realize that maaaaaybe, just maybe, something was wrong? I found a way to blame absolutely EVERYTHING except my relationships... In fact I was always very certain that I had the most romantic, passionate, to-be-envied relationships out there.

I know, I know. All of you reading this can probably resonate with what I'm saying to almost a disgusting extent. Illness? Check. Anxiety? Check. Self-Abandonment? Check. Well you're going to resonate with this even more. Because what I thought made my relationships so special was that I thought I could "help" them. Even worse, I believed I could "fix" them. What kind of person needs helping and fixing from a partner? Usually someone very emotionally illiterate, reactive, avoidant, and even abusive. I never bat an eye. I thought they were the cutest, sweetest, little project I had ever seen! All they needed was a little love, and I knew I had enough to give to heal the whole world.

But I was wrong. And that misunderstanding about how the world works and how relationships work... It cost me my life. It cost me my physical health, my emotional health, and my spiritual connection. Because situations like this are an absolute black hole. They will suck you dry of everything inside you, and leave you a lifeless pulp. I've done it... not once, not twice, but probably 15 times over the course of my dating life. I was ADDICTED. And like any good addict knows, NOTHING, I mean, nothing, gets between you and your fix. I was fixed on Narcissists, and I had nothing else to think about.

But WHY? Why, on mother earth, would any good-hearted, good-natured person do that to themselves? That, is the asinine question that literally everyone on the internet is talking about right now. I'm here to share my perspective, share my story.

I wasn't actually addicted to Narcissists. No, I was addicted to trying to heal my childhood wounds THROUGH them.

Wanna know the catch?

Narcissists are trying to heal themselves through us too.

THAT is what makes Narcissists and Empaths such a magnetic pair.

You see, people who end up with Narcissists often deal with the SAME core wound as the Narcissist....

Shame.

And it's the souls search for healing that brings these 2 archetypes together.

Narcissists and Codependent Empaths often fit like a perfect puzzle piece... Let me share my story and tell me... does it sound familiar?

I met my partner Jordan while trying out "ethical non-monogamy", the perfect place for a disorganized attachment co-dependent like myself. We hit it off like fireworks... Excitement, passion, love-bombing, and the chase! My favorite part. But here is the thing... Our relationship made me so... anxious. Like, wake-up-in-the-morning-check-my-phone-100x's level anxious. Our pattern emerged perfectly, the quintessential narcissistic/codependent dynamic.

Here's how it goes: narcissistic Jordan copes with shame by being "special" and grandiose, detached from empathy, while me, Kyra, the co-dependent empath copes with shame by being "needed" and helpful, overly empathetic and self-sacrificing. The co-dependent empath Kyra feeds the narcissist Jordan while starving herself out, and I survive on the little breadcrumbs of affection given by Jordan, the narcissistic partner. This keeps the cycle going, and it is a self-sustaining system of pain and heartache.

So this is where I get a little vulnerable. I didn't wake up to this pattern in myself until after I had already gotten really deep with this guy. Like YEARS deep. Living together deep. 5 kids blended family, trips to Disneyland together, deep. And after 15 years with my ex-husband, multiple hot-n-quick flings, I finally settled down with who I felt was another "love of my life". I told myself this was going to be the end of my chaotic dynamics. I wanted him to be the one, and I didn't want love to keep hurting.

But it did.

And this was the most painful of all the situations I had ever been in. Because of all the healing I had done on myself over the years, I believed I was "healed". I had even become a Healer myself and begun working with clients in my practice. My eyes were finally wide open, and because I had woken from the "trance" of co-dependency I had been in for 20+ years... I couldn't believe my eyes. It was like I was watching myself be abused, and abuse myself, over and over but I couldn't stop. Part of my mind was screaming, and yet I'd watch myself feeding the toxic pattern over and over again.

Until one day....

Something in me broke.

I couldn't take it anymore.

I couldn't take another jab, another tantrum, another lie, another betrayal... another fawn response in my body just begging for the conflict to end. I just. Couldn't. Take it.

I realized that I had 2 choices.

1. Leave the guy....

2. Change myself.

The thing is, I had 5 kids I really am obsessed with, a mostly beautiful life, and a man I was deeply madly in love with. Two things were true at once -- I loved him... And he was bad for me. I knew that a past version of me would have tried to "fix him". But fixing someone never worked for me. I knew that something had to change, and that the person that really needed fixing was... well... ME.

I started looking at our "narcissistic dynamic" like this living, breathing entity that I was constantly feeding. Like a scary angry looking plant in the corner that required a blood oath to live (just kidding hehe.. sort of). I realized that in order for things to change, I needed to STOP FEEDING IT. Like just really f*cking kill the thing and starve it out.

So I did.

I starved the sh*t out of it.

I literally took every ounce of my energy going toward managing, praising, enabling, therapizing, soothing, etc etc and I started giving it back to myself.

Now, this was a slow process. Like, VERY slow. Because my body revolted! Everything inside of me felt like I needed to fix and manage everything he was feeling or needing every day. I actually felt confused what to do with all my extra energy. I didn't know what to do. I was like... who even am I when I'm not fixing or helping him???!!! What do I even like to do?

But with every little thread of energy I pulled back to me, I started to nourish myself. In the smallest ways. Like, actually get ready in the morning instead of get in a fight. Like, paint something beautiful instead of chasing him around soothing his blow-ups.

It was crazy because as I started to do this, 2 things happened.

1. He went absolutely crazy

2. I got STRONGER

As I pulled my energy away, it triggered the sh*t out of him. He was losing his supply. I was no longer holding up my end of the unspoken "bargain", and his body felt it. He absolutely panicked. He did everything to get my energy back. Tantrums. Threats. Love-bombing. Affection. Gifts. Sex. But guess what? I could see right through it. Because I was finally in tune with myself and my body, I could recognize things for exactly what they were -- a survival strategy.

Because really -- that's all that Narcissism is. Its a strategy for survival.

And guess what -- So is empathic co-dependecy!!

So I stopped the drama and I just said to myself, and him -- "Look... We are both just fully in survival mode right now. I want so much more than surviving. I want thriving."

Something in our dynamic snapped that day.

Because the game can't be played in one direction.

It left him with a choice -- "Do I walk away and find another source? Or do I confront the pain my narcissism is masking?"

In this case, my empowerment was what initiated his awakening.

I'll say that again for the people in the back...

My empowerment aka self-love aka self-healing aka choosing myself...

Is what initiated... his awakening to his narcissism.

He had a slow thawing out and awakening to the destructive patterns attached to the narcissism. He even came to see and understand that he was a diagnosed "Narcissist". This initiated him on his healing journey... And took me even deeper into mine.

Now, whenever I share my story I get a ton of backlash. I know why. Because so many of us out there are in DEEP pain. Deep pain over our failed relationships, our abusive parents, and our own traumatic experiences. I just want to say, if you're in this boat -- I see you.

I see you deeper than you even realize. Because it would actually be really hard for me to give a proper trauma-dump in one post. But I have experienced the full spectrum of abuse -- physical, sexual, emotional, mental and spiritual. From more than one person, across my entire life. So I don't share my story because I am invalidating the pain of every person who has experienced narcissistic abuse.

On the contrary.

I share my story because, there was one mindset change that shifted my painful pattern FOR GOOD.

And that shift was this -- I took full accountability for my situation, and for my healing.

Most victims of abuse and trauma find that very hard to do. Because we are, well, victims. We are inherently feeling disempowered and unfairly put in a traumatic place emotionally.

But I want to share something I think will change you life. And it's this:

It's not your fault. But it IS your responsibility.

You, and ONLY you, can change your situation. No matter if you get a new boyfriend, a new dad, a new best friend, a new dog, a new job, plastic surgery, whatever... Your situation will continue to bring you pain. Because that pain was never external. It was always within you.

So my message is this:

If you want to heal the painful effects of narcissistic abuse in your life, you will never do so by demonizing and canceling narcissists alone. No...

But you WILL heal the painful effects of narcissistic abuse when you do the work required to understand why you were/are drawn to these people in the first place. What your original wound, beliefs, and patterns are that you are unconsciously following.

Because this is your only true chance for long-lasting change.

Plus, the truth is that the only person you can control, is you.

You cannot make someone stop abusing you.

But you can stop abusing yourself.

So -- if you're like me, you resonate with this message and you know you have healing to-do.. Where do you go? What do you do?

Well hopefully it doesn't take you your entire life to figure this out. Because I completely and utterly had to bush-wack my own healing completely alone and in a lot of pain... I promised myself I would never allow others in my circle to have to endure the same pain.

If you're reading this -- you're in my circle.

I've opened up my heart and committed my life to helping heal the toxic patterns of narcissistic dynamics in the lives of co-dependents, empaths, and narcissists. And by the way, so does my husband Jordan the "Recovering Narcissist".

Feel free to reach out, or follow us on our journey to get support and feel less alone.

You can find us on Instagram at @recovering.empaths and @the.recovering.narcissist

If you're a narcissist looking to heal, check out Jordans 90 day healing program at healnarcissism.com ❤️

Love ya babes.

Xoxo,

Kyra